08-30-06 - 1:55 a.m.
As always I have been thinking about some things, and as always it is not looking good. However before I continue I just want to apologize if you have already read what I am about to write, in one of my other online journal/blog sites. Ok that is enough apologies.
First off let me just say that if whatever I write in this blog pisses you off, I have two words for you...TOUGH SHIT!
I have gotten to a point in my life right now, where I can easily tell who my true friends are, and who the people that don't really matter are, and out of all the people that have come into my life at some point, only one person can be considered my closest friend. For argument sake we will call this person Caleb. Caleb and I can talk about anything and everything with one another; be it about men, the government, family, issues we have with friends, issues we have with shady two-faced people; and we will be brutally honest with one another. Granted I may not like some of the things that Caleb has to say, and Caleb might not like some of the things that I have to say to him, but we both know, that the reason why we say some of the things we say is because we truly want to help each other, and the things that we say are not merely said for our own personal gain.
For example I have been talking to Caleb about an issue I have been having with my friends Janson and Frank. Now the 3 of us get along fine when we are together, but lately Janson has been getting upset; rather he puts on a sour puss everytime I tell him that I was hanging out with Frank. Now Janson knows that I like Frank, and he also knows that Frank likes me and Janson has a problem with that because he feels he has known Frank longer, and therefore deserves to be with Frank first. Now Frank, Caleb, and myself know for a fact that Janson doesn't stand a chance in hell to get with Frank, but for whatever reasons, Janson just refuses to admit or even accept this to be the truth. Moreover there have been quite a number of occassions over the last oh lets just say month and a half where I have needed to talk to Janson and was told by Janson himself that he was home, only to drive by Janson's place an hour or so later that night, only to discover that Janson was not home. His car was not in front of his place, and it was not in front of his parent's place either, but on some of these nights it would be spotted in the parking lot of certain bars that we sometimes go to. On one occassion I found out through mutual friends that Janson was hooking up, yet Janson has not said one word to me about this particular hook up. Why not? What does Janson have to hide? What is it about this one particular hook up that has Janson so embarassed to tell me about it? Also as of the last couple of days Janson has become very standoffish and that is normally not like him. Now of course I could question him about all of this, but I know if I did Janson would take it as me attacking him. And I pleased people by becoming friends with Janson again for this?
Then there is my friend Lana. She hates Caleb, and I am almost positive that she resents me because I am friends with Caleb. Furthermore when I was contemplating moving away from New York a few months ago, because of the type of person I am I decided to tell Lana. Her response to me was that I could not go because she needed me here, and she would miss me too much. Yes you read that correctly. Her response to my thought of moving was all about her. Forget the fact that I was unhappy, forget the fact that I thought and felt that a change of scenery for a few months would do me good. Forget the fact that I am still somewhat unhappy here in New York, it's all about Lana. She complains that she and I don't spend enough time together, and the times that she has wanted to hang out lately, I have either had other plans, or simply wanted to be left alone, I then feel guilty because I have to lie to Lana in order to do what I want to do, but yet it is always me who is made out to be the bad guy every time I say no. And once again I have to watch what I say to Lana about how I feel because if I am too harsh in what I say, she will take it as a personal attack. I also know that when I don't show up to hang out on Friday for Lana and her girlfriend Harelquinn's anniversary celebration, I am gonna be viewed as a bad guy, even though they all know that for close to 4 months I was unemployeed so I can't afford to be taking all this time off from work, but once again its all about Lana.
So as it turns out I am stuck between a rock and a hard place because as much as I would love to tell Lana and Janson how I truly feel about them, I run the risk of losing Frank as a friend as well, and I don't want that to happen. So I am forced to sit in silence and be miserable in order to keep Frank as a friend, while Janson and Lana treat me however they feel like treating me. Caleb you asked me why I am still friends with them, and I think I just gave you the real reason why. But regardless, how fucked up is that?
Always And Forever An Aggravated Angel,
~Chris
